When it comes to what we want and need, voicing our needs, wants, and desires can often seem intimidating. We find ourselves caught in societal norms, personal insecurities, and the fear of rejection or judgment. These internal and external barriers can make it challenging to communicate our needs effectively, leaving us feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

But why is this seemingly simple act so difficult?

Fear of Rejection or Judgment

Often, the fear of how others will perceive our requests stops us from expressing them. We worry that our desires may be deemed unreasonable or selfish, leading to rejection or judgment from our peers.

Lack of Self-Worth

A feeling of unworthiness can deter us from asking for what we want. If we don’t believe we deserve what we’re asking for, we’re less likely to voice our desires.

Ineffective Communication Skills

The difficulty in asking for what you need comes down to assertive communication. There are many reasons we may feel unable to assert ourselves, whether as deep as self-worth or as simple as not having the right skills to communicate our needs effectively. Whatever the underlying issue, proper communication is key to ensuring our needs are understood and met, and the good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned and taught. 

I work with many clients as a confidence and communication coach, to help people develop their ability to feel confident to assert themselves with the simple act of practicing and building their communication skills. 

But where should you start to take actionable steps towards being more assertive and asking for what you need?

Practice and familiarize yourself with assertive communication:

Assertiveness is the balanced way of expressing one’s wants and needs while respecting those of others. Being assertive implies standing up for oneself while maintaining respect for others.

If asking for things is difficult, you have to start somewhere. So, keep the goal small and intentional to begin with. It could be as simple as asking a family member to come to your place for coffee or your partner to pick something up on the way home from work. You can also take baby steps towards assertiveness when someone asks you what you want – for example, for dinner and you aren’t sure – just say, “That is a great question! I can’t think of a place right now, but I am in the mood for something healthy.” of “I have been craving Italian lately, is there a place near that you like?” The intentional practice of these things will help you to connect with the feeling and lead you to your goal.

If you want to practice on your own, after reading this article, make a list of things you need help with or need from others. Then, write down how you would ask for them and practice. 

If you have a friend who also struggles with asking for things, you could have a game night and practice together! This is a fun way to help you feel more empowered to practice. 

Be Specific and Clear:

Clarity is key when expressing your needs. When you clearly state what you want, there is no miscommunication and less cause for confusion or confrontation. 

For Example: 

Making plans:

If you struggle to make plans with others’ busy schedules, say – “Thank you for the invitation, I would love to get together. Sadly, my schedule doesn’t allow for a meeting during the week. I am free next Sunday at 2 pm or 5 pm if you are free. 

Being Interrupted:

Instead of stating, “You never respect me!” assert yourself in a way that allows you to acknowledge the other and the behavior without being accusatory, “Yes, I understand; I would appreciate it if I could finish my thought.”

Do some internal work to understand why it is that you struggle to ask for what you need.

Breaking down the barriers preventing us from asking for what we want is crucial for our well-being and cultivating healthy relationships. Implementing these actionable steps in your next interaction or conversation will not only help in clear and effective communication. Still, it will also empower you to take charge of your needs and desires.

Remember, expressing your needs is not about being demanding or selfish; it’s about taking care of yourself and fostering understanding and mutual respect in your relationships. The journey might be fraught with discomfort and resistance, but the rewards of clear communication and stronger, more fulfilling relationships are well worth the effort.